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TOKYO.TOKYO

FOUNTAIN

FOUNTAIN 2

OYANJOY

Music :: U AND DAT - E40 ft. T-Pain & Kandi G
Mood :: exhausted

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COMMITMENT NOT A REHEARSAL!!!

Sometimes I don’t understand why there are so many people that do things when they know they’re not ready yet. One of the most common and overused picture of this is marriage. First of all why would you put yourself into a commitment if you’re not ready to leave things behind you when you were still single? It’s a lifetime covenant not just a one day rehearsal and BAM! You’re back to the ball game. No offense but I often see this with men. Although men and women could be the same thing the ratio goes higher with guys.

One of the things that annoys me the most is when you gave up everything just for him and you got yourself pulled together and all ready to be with him, you suffered and sacrifice for the sake of the relationship and still your “Mr. Commitment, Not My Kind” guy seems to be just throwing away all your efforts . Uhmm.. Seriously? Why would you even think of getting married if you still want to live your single life? Hanging around with your friends till late at night, doing nonsense things just get in with all of them and what not? I mean, come on now?! You are a married man! If you used to do things such as that before well, you should know that it’s totally different now! I actually don’t have a problem with him going out with his friends, hanging around and yapping. That’s fine with me, really. But I think it does irritate me to know that you are allowed to go out alone with your friends and while on the other hand you don’t even let me see my girls without you being there. So it’s ok for you to be clingy but I’m not? Is that how it goes? Well, I think that is just a total piece of crap aside from it being so ridiculous. You Mr. CNMK, is just a total jerk. I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated this way ever. Not me, not you, neither any of us. I think it’s a total harsh reality that does hit on others like me.

I just honestly don’t know if he would ever realize this. He’s just good with words. Saying this and that, and telling me that things are way different especially now that we are married. That is very absurd, Mr.! Only God knows if he will ever change and when would that happen. You hate me? Sue me! BS!

Music :: Walk Me Out - Asia Cruise
Mood :: crushed

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******

I once thought that I would not be able to love this much.  I’ve given so much. I sacrificed a lot for the sake of love and our relationship.  It’s true that when you love someone you don’t see all the imperfections all you can see are the wonderful things in him and around you. I came over here to the Philippines so that I could be with him. I disobeyed my parents and followed my heart. While I was at the plane my mind was battling with all those thoughts inside my head. I kept asking God to please give me signs and I would be willing to take it wholeheartedly inspite of pain, if he’s really not the one for me. I even asked God to hinder me from going with him and being with him if this wasn’t His will. The flight went smoothly and no signs of hindrances or whatsoever. The whole 18 hours of travel was a total mind battlefield for me. While up in the air for hundreds of thousands feet, my mind is out in there somewhere, puzzled.  I know that either or, whatever decision I make there would still be people that would get hurt. I thought I might as well go with the decision where I would hurt people around me but I know I would be happy rather than going into a decision that would hurt people but won’t do me any good. On our wedding day, 9^th of September 2009, I even asked for the last signs that would let us know that we’re not meant for each other and that we should just go on our separate ways, but it was great and very successful. On our way to the venue, it was gloomy and pouring. But during the wedding until it was finished the sun showed up. I know I might sound irrational or what not but whatever you might want to call it, it’s a good sign for us. That’s God’s signs for his blessings and love for us. As it says on 1 John 4:19, “We love because He first loved us.”

I don’t know how you might see this picture, all I know is that however you put it and whichever angle you look at it, I did this because of LOVE. We both are aware of what the consequences might be on our and whatever the trials and obstacles we both would be facing in the future, it’s our LOVE and our PRAYERS that would keep us together and will make grow deeper in stronger in this MARRIAGE. I am happy with him and I hope and pray that someday my family, especially my parents would realize and see that too. I know I betrayed and failed them with their expectations on me. I am sorry for letting you all down, but I love him so much and now we are in ONE.

And now, when I go back there, I know I would miss him so much and I’m praying that he’ll get there soon before the end of this year. I hope I could start working on his papers as soon as I get there. We have to be strong and we both know that in the early times and years of our marriage it might be tough but we both are ready to face the obstacles. God is with us and we know that our love has been through a lot and we can face this, especially now that we are bond as ONE.

 -------

Music :: Stop Playin' With Me - Jordyn Taylor
Book :: Facebook friends updates
Mood :: enthralled

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Yes, I am now getting married to the man I love for few years in two weeks from now. I did disobeyed my parents just to be with him and fooled them. I knew I would be happy with whatever decision I make, but now, the REALITY HITS!!!

I am now starting to awaken from all of these. Can you believe that? I am getting married in couple weeks?? Holy moly!!! I know I love him so much but does he love me the way I love him? This is totally insane I must say. The longest time we have been together with each other (physically/personally) was 5 weeks and that's when I first went back here in the Philippines year 2007. Now, we're getting married and we're living in the same house, sleeping in the same bedroom and bed for 19 days now. I can't believe I just swallowed up all of my words whenever I'm hearing stories like mine. It's like a huge slap on my face, but I know and I do admit my flaws and mistakes. We will never learn if never did mess up, it's all part of it. I honestly don't know if I'm regretting what I've done. All I know is that I didn't mean to hurt my parents. They left me with no options. I don't wanna be with someone I don't really love just because my parents told me so. That's a total BS!!!

But now, the man I've been loving for years seemed to be changing as the days goes by or am I just starting to see the real him? He seemes to only comes to me whenever he needed me, that's how I feel at least.

Music :: Wonderful - Marques Houston
Mood :: gloomy

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I am really scared and terrified but I know I should take this big step. I should be ready to all the consequences and all the outcomes that might happen. It’s now or never, that’s how I see it. I know everyone will go ballistic about this, I know I can pull this off if I would only be ready for this. Have you ever felt that, or been into that situation? You know you’re ready but you seem like you aren’t? It is pretty tough call eh? Yeah, it sure is. I love you so much, I know I am ready for this, but I am really afraid of what will happen next. I’ve never been this way before, everything is new to me.

Show :: Love Don't Cost A Thing
Mood :: scared

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Exhausting day has it been. The 2 to 10 shift always takes up my whole day, and that’s my permanent schedule. It’s not that I’m not happy, I am actually grateful to have this wonderful job. Others don’t even have anything. They don’t have any sources of income due to recession that’s affecting the whole entire world.

So, I just got home bout few minutes ago. I just took off my uniform and went straight to bed. I will go have a shower in few minutes; areal warm one to relax my tense muscles, especially in my legs and lower back. Mind you, it was really quite today. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. We’re going to have a new admission. A total care, and based from what we’ve hear she’s a total care too and a big lady. Of course we’ll be using the full mechanical lift on her in that case. One more thing, she’s going to be downstairs since we don’t have any available room from both wings at this moment. I just hope that everything turns out well tomorrow. Oh golly!

Today, I also got my tax refund. It was actually fast. I didn’t expect to have it until first week of May, but it came in this morning. The mailman rang the doorbell, and BAM! Here it is! It was awesome! I was thinking of using this for my plane ticket this coming August. I already booked mine and I will be picking it up within this week. I will go with Japan Airlines. I just hope that the stop over will not be that long as before with EVA Air. Here’s the story. I went back home (Philippines) in 2007 at the age of 18 just to be with my boyfriend and to meet few of my old friends. Going to the Philippines, I had no problem at all, though I had 4 hours stopover in Taipei, Taiwan. It was cool. I was actually overwhelmed. The first time I travelled by myself and first time I would see him. It turned out good. But going back here in Canada from Philippines, was just WOW! I didn’t sleep at all. I had the full 8 hrs of stopover in Taipei before going here. I didn’t have any food with me. Good thing there’s these nice ladies who were OFW’s and told me that I could have a free meal and all I had to do is just show my pass. So I did. I had a good soup. But mind you, I was actually thinking about all those stuffs that my cousin told me. Those people in China use their human fetus from abortion to be part of the food to make it more delicious and tastier. It was just nasty, but I did see the pictures, it was brutal – A lifeless little fetus, lying with the knives, onions and other seasonings. It could’ve been just edited, so who knows eh? But yeah, I was like, that’s cool. I did see it when they were making the soup, and it was clean, but I was paranoid for the whole entire time. Of course I didn’t say that to the ladies, because they would probably think that I was out of my mind if I did say so.

Oh well! I think I’ve had enough rest. I should have my warm shower now, to relax.

Music :: Get It Shawty - Lloyd
Mood :: exhausted

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Having a beautiful body does not depend on a woman's dress size. It comes from good grooming, self-confidence, and being happy in your own skin. Your body is a gift and how you treat it, perceive it and adorn it makes a difference in how you feel about it.

Be proud of your body sister, no matter what size. Snip out the size tags in your clothing if they bother you.

Keep positive thoughts, treat yourself to a little spa pampering, keep fit and eat healthy. That's the secret of looking and feeling gorgeous, not the size of your dress!

****

I was at the church earlier. We just got home from our Sunday service about an hour ago or so. My dad preached about "Growing as a Healthy Christian". Unlike usual Sunday’s services, this one left a trademark on me. Not that I’m saying that all of his other topics don’t hit me, it’s not that at all. I just find that this one is a little different because it hits me and penetrated on me real hard.

There are times when I do feel idle, just plainly stuck up and nuisance I guess. I’m pretty sure you’ve been into that as well, well we all do anyways. So here it goes. It was like a slap o my face. I sure do go upfront and sing in public and bless their lives and touch their hearts too if you may say. But the question though is: am I really growing spiritually? It was a tough one. I never really know what my exact goal is. I sure do have tons of them. You sure do have them too eh?  The word growth is a word of command, and a word of continuity. When God commands us to grow as a healthy Christian, just as He commands us to do many other things, such as repent, believe, and love. Growth should not be something difficult to do if you know what your “GOAL” is.

I realized today that I shouldn’t just leave myself stagnant here. I should learn to grow and move on. I should figure out what that goal is that I have. The exact goal!

 (P.S) Somone gave me a bear hug from the church ealier and told me that it feels good to hug me.  I thought, I would only hear that from my boyfriend. But I guess because of all those muffins I got in me,that's what makes me fluffy! LOL! But mind you, they said my body is in proportion though, but I think they just used that to cover up the reality.HAHAHA!

Show :: Con Air - Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, John Malkovich
Mood :: optimistic

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We do have our own ups and down, as well as our random thoughts that’s always stuck up there in our brain. So here is mine.

1. save more. pay more.
   
2. band practice tomorrow.
   
3. call sick tomorrow.
4. mylove
5. make songs line up
6. clean up
7. tired
8. sick
9. bored
10. migraines
11. bills
12. Sunday
13. weight
14. shoes
15. purse
16. jeans
17. miss you
18. does he miss me as much as i do?
19. sigh* love love love
20. iloveyou
21. wanna be with you
22. strawberry cheesecake
23. sweets
24. cravings
25. work
26. kare-kare
27. my baby again
28. shower
29. relax
30. my dogs
31. my phone
32. hungry
33. broke
34. payday come, hurry!!!
35. mcdonal's
36. cheese burger
37. ironman
38. crazy
39. philippines
40. august
41. goin' back home soon
42. puerto nirvana
43. vacation
44. oyan ko
45. pizza
46. mom
47. dad
48. bros
49. songs
50. pressures
51. bliss
52. food
53. pain
54. long distance
55. torture
56. puzzles
57. pictures
58. luggage
59. messy
60. where?
61. how?
62. tummy is growling
63. just woke up
64. wondering how was the supper at their place because i didnt come over
65. nuisance
    
66. futile
67. waiting
68. grin
69. excited
70. mischievous
71. time goes fast, but i go slow
72. buy dog food
73. am i worth it?
74. life challenges
75. moymoypalaboy
76. hilarious
77. wow!
78. baby i miss you
79. all i can picture is you and i together, forever
80. unbreakable
81. always ask God to give you what you deserve not what you desire, that's because your desires may be few, but you may deserve a lot. --- JoyG.C
82. sexy
83. oyan's girl and property
84. my lingerie collections
85. desktop
86. piano
87. guitar
88. i want you
89. i need you, because i love you
90. please come here
91. tough call
92. keep myself occupied
93. hugs
94. kisses
95. i miss you so much baby
96. sigh***
97. i never fell in love this way. you're my all.
98. he keeps running in my head, and never gets tired.
99. it is very heartbreaking when i miss you but i can't hold you. 
100. i miss you so bad and i need you right now.

Music :: Put That Woman First - Jaheim
Mood :: missing you :(

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One of the hardest parts in this life is having and seeing someone you really love the most but not being able to touch and feel them. It is like a torture, breaking your heart little by little in every piece. It’s hard to express how profound and deep your feelings are. The pain is just unbearable and indescribable. No matter how hard you try there’s always that gap between you two.  It’s not just the physical occurrence at all. It is about the whole situation. It might sound complicated but it’s actually more than that.

How would you cope up with everyday of trying to keep yourself occupied with all of these commotions in this earth just to keep yourself away from the reality of pain you have inside? Yeah, it does sound mushy as you would think. Those days where you would wake up every morning wishing that he’s right beside you? It’s been years since the last time I was with the man I love so much. I finally proved and realized to myself that the old quote is true: “When you’re in love, every morning when you wake up he will be the first thing you’ll think about and at night will be the last thing before you fall asleep.” I thought it was a myth or just made up. But they’re all true.

My heart is pounding like crazy whenever I’m with him. I miss that feeling. I feel safe, secured and well protected when I’m in his cozy arms. I miss whispering to him how much I do love him. I really miss him so much. In few months, I will get to see him again. I will be able to hold him, touch him and let him know how much I missed him. Every second and every minute will never be wasted. I just hope that time will go fast right now so I could be with him sooner and it will go slower or maybe stop when we’re together. I just really miss you so much, and it breaks my heart.

Music :: This Is Us - Keyshia Cole
Mood :: sad

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